How To Deal With An Angsty Teenager

Doors slam, voices are raised, angry hot tears flow freely. “You don’t understand me!” “You don’t get it!”  “Everything is ruined!”

Sounds dramatic? Welcome to the most exciting chapter of fatherhood: parenting a teenager.  As a father, you may find it difficult to relate to your teenage son or daughter and may even feel at a loss sometimes as to how to deal with their mood swings, which play a major role in their puberty and the way your teen thinks and feels.

Most often, this moodiness is a result of a misunderstanding and the added pressure that comes with adolescence. Here are things to keep in mind when dealing with an angsty teen to sail smoothly through the storm.

Kids Often Fear Dads - Don’t Let That Be You!  

It may feel like you have to be the authoritarian figure your kids are scared of to inculcate discipline. But in reality, that alienates children and makes it difficult for them to talk to you. Instead of weaponiing anger and discipline, communicate empathetically with your child. This requires listening without judgment to teens and treating them as equals. It will be far easier to work out any issues at hand if you can treat each other with respect even during difficult times. Your son or daughter also doesn’t want their emotions to be minimised. Remember that your goal shouldn’t be to win an argument but to help your son or daughter deal with their immediate feelings. In the long term, this can help to ensure that your child will grow into an emotionally mature and healthy adult.

Your Kid Has Your Genes, Not Your Beliefs 

This is also a time when adolescents are discovering their own views about the world that might severely clash with what you may think of as right or wrong. Views could differ on religion, politics, economics, and even morality, and parents need to give the teens the space to have their own opinions. As a parent, it is important to understand that your child having clashing views from your own is not a sign of failure but of success. It means you're raising an individual who can think for themselves.

Also, allow for self-expression: your child may want to do unconventional things. The world has space for more than just engineers and doctors. Rather than telling them their dreams are unrealistic or unacceptable, help them figure out how to make these realistic and doable. This way you are being constructive in your parenting and making your teenager feel secure - something that most adolescents lack in these formative years. 

Build trust, not suspicion

Teens may cause or frequently get into all kinds of trouble. You know this from the days of bending the rules your parents set. Perhaps counterintuitively, responsible young adults are raised in an environment of trust, not suspicion. It’s better to ask questions than to directly jump to conclusions. If you’re uncertain, give them the benefit of the doubt. Simply say, ‘’I’m concerned, but I am choosing to trust you with this.’’ This puts a certain responsibility on your son or daughter to abide by your agreement and to respect you, as you respected them.

However, if your teen does break your trust, take away a certain privilege and have them earn it back. It’s very important that during this time your teen is taught the significance of responsibility, and the consequence for not following agreed-upon rules. Do remember that adolescents are impulsive and do make mistakes. If they break your trust, wherever possible, try to let bygones be bygones and give your teen the chance to win your trust back. 

Encourage them to be Active

Research shows that puberty initiates cascading relationships between  neurodevelopmental, social, and internalizing processes across adolescence. As a result, a lot of the angst that your teen may experience is also due to hormonal and physical changes they may be going through. And a good way to tackle that would be by encouraging them to either partake in sports, dance, yoga or any other form of physical activity if they haven’t done so already.

It can also be a great way to bond with your child. Let’s say you have an interest in football that you both share or some other sport. Use it to your advantage. It can even be a brilliant way to spend time as a family.

When in Turmoil, Communicate

The bottom line: it’s important to open a direct path of communication between you and your teen. Not only do you have to understand what’s going on in their lives, but also where they’re coming from.

However, if you begin to notice dramatic changes in their sleep patterns, self- disruptive behaviors, or other worrying issues, you should consider other resources for help, such as therapy. Even if your child refuses to see a therapist, you could also try going by yourself to gain professional advice and perspective on how to proceed as a parent.